April Fools Day Pranks: Follow Jose Canseco's Lead
It's getting to be that time of year when people run frantically through their office corridors looking for April
Fools Day pranks that hit just the right place along the continuum between gentle playfulness and brutal cruelty.
Jose Canseco and former Cardinal Ozzie Canseco's recent boxing trick play—Ozzie replaced Jordan for a celebrity
boxing gig, and was found out when he failed to have a depressing Twitter-aided meltdown in the ring—offer an easy
template for any would-be office prankster to follow. I've cut Canseco's master-prank into handy list form, so just
1,Have an identical twin. It's important that your identical twin is good at baseball, but not nearly as good as
you. It's difficult to remain identical through decades of hard living, steroids, and squalor, so plan ahead.
2,Have a solid baseball career, marked by occasionally worrisome paranoia and some minor PR nightmares. Okay, so
you're not quite a Hall of Famer, and you're a bit of a jerk, and in hindsight all that muscle was a little
suspicious, but hey! 40 home runs and 40 stolen bases in a season is nothing to sneeze at.
3,Become a national pariah. There are exceptions—you could, like Manute Bol, just be an extraordinarily generous
person trying to raise money for your pet causes—but in general, you can't get into celebrity boxing unless you've
made an ass out of yourself. People don't want to see celebrities they like get beaten up.
4,Run an increasingly depressing Twitter feed. Talk about how you've lost millions of dollars, how you don't know
where you're going to live, how the forces massed against you have made your every day a living hell. Do this,
somehow, without evoking any sympathy at all from your followers, whom you appear to loathe anyway.
5,Jackpot—Have your twin brother replace you in a celebrity boxing match.